Sunday, January 08, 2006
WEDDING CRASHERS
THE RULES
• no one goes home alone.
• blend in by standing out.
• invitations are for p*ssies.
• when it stops being fun, break something.
• bridesmaids are desperate -- console them.
• you're a distant relative of a dead cousin.
• fight the urge to tell the truth.
• every female wedding guest deserves a wedding night.
• you have a wedding and a reception to seal the deal. period. no overtime.
• there's nothing wrong with having seconds. provided there's enough women to go around.
• of course you love her.
• don't over drink. the machinery must work in order to close.
• your favorite movies are "the english patient" and "the notebook."
• never hit on the bride! it's a one-way ticket to pavement.
• the way to a woman's bed is through the dance floor.
• dance with old folks and the flower girl. the girls will think you're sweet.
• at the service, sit in the fifth row. it's close enough to the wedding party to seem like you're an invited guest. never sit in the back. the back row just smells like crashing.
• create an air of mystery that involves some painful experience when interacting with the girl you're after, but don't talk about it, allude to it. then walk away. she'll follow.
• always remember your fake name!
• you forgot your invitation in your rush to the church.
• bring an extra umbrella when it rains. courtesy opens more legs than charm.
• make sure all the single women at the wedding know you're there because you've just suffered either a terrible break-up or the death of your fiance.
• no sex on the alter. confessionals okay. choir lofts are better.
• girls in hats tend to be proper and rarely give it up.
• the unmarried female rabbi -- is she fair game? of course she is.
• always bring a fake gift.
• don't let the ring bearer bum your smokes. his parents may start asking questions.
• stay clear of the wedding planner. they may recognize you and start to wonder.
• you're always from out of town. ALWAYS.
• know something from the place you are from. texas is played out. for some reason, new hampshire seems to work.
• of course you dream of one day having children.
• deep down, most people hate themselves. this knowledge is the key to most bedroom doors.
• etiquette isn't old-fashioned, it's sexy.
• catholic weddings -- the classic dilemma: painfully long ceremony -- horny girls.
• avoid women who were psychology majors in college.
• never cockblock a fellow crasher. cockblocking an invited guest -- okay.
• eat plentiful, digest your food. you'll need the energy for later.
• know your swing and salsa dancing. girls love to get twisted around.
• always work the following into a conversation: "yeah, i have lots of money, but how does one buy happiness?"
• be pensive! it draws out the "healer" in women.
• tell any woman you're interested in that you'd love to stay, but you promised to help out at the homeless shelter today.
• get chocked up during the service. the girls will think you're "sensitive." bring a slice of onion or artificial tears, if necessary.
• if pressed, tell people you're related to uncle ned. everyone has an uncle ned.
• never leave a fellow crasher behind. crashers take care of their own.
• never use your real name.
• never confess.
• never let a girl get between you and a fellow crasher.
• do not sit in the corner and sulk. it attracts attention to yourself, but not on your own terms.
• be the life of the party.
• whatever it takes to get in, get in.
• sensitive is good.
• always have an up-to-date family tree.
• you love animals and children.
• toast in the native language if you know the native language and have practiced the toast.
do not wing it.
• the older the better, the younger the better. (see below rule).
• definitely make sure she's 18.
• if you get outed, leave calmly. do not run.
• you understand she heard that and that's not what you meant.
• make sure there's an open bar.
• always be a team player. everyone needs a little help now and again.
• know the playbook so you can call an audible.
• if you call an audible, always make sure your fellow crashers know.
• don't commit to a relative unless you're absolutely sure that they have a pulse.
• never go back to your place.
• be gone before sunrise.
• breakfast is for closers.
• at the reception, one hard drink or two beers max. a drunk crasher is a sloppy crasher.
• try not to break anything, unless you're not having fun.
• the rules of wedding crashing are sacred. don't be sully them by "improvising."
• always pull out in time.
• avoid virgins, they're too clingy.
• don't fixate on one woman. ALWAYS have a back-up.
• when seeing a rival crasher, do not interact -- merely acknowledge each other with a tug on the earlobe and gracefully move on.
• the ferrari's in the shop.
• if two rival crashers pick the same girl, the crasher with the least seniority will respectfully yield.
• no "chicken dancing" -- no exceptions.
• when crashing out of state, request permission from the local wedding crashing chapter.
• no more than two weddings a weekend. more and your game gets sloppy.
• always save room for cake.
• when your crash partner fails, you fail. no man is an island.
• smile! you're having the time of your life.
• mix it up a little -- you can't always be the guy with the haunted past.
• two shut-outs in a row? it's time to take a week off. ask yourself: "what's getting in the way of my happiness?"
• research, research, research the wedding party. and when you are done researching, research some more.
• studies show women have a more developed sense of smell. breath mints -- small cost, big yield.
• no excuses. play like a champion!
• in case of emergency, refer to the playbook.
• keep interactions with the parents to a minimum.
• carry extra protection.
• the tables farthest from the kitchen always get served dinner first.
• stop, look listen. at weddings. in life.
• occasionally bring a real gift -- you're getting sex without having buy dinner, you can afford a blender.
• always think ahead but always stay in the moment. reconcile this paradox and you'll not only get the girl, you might also get peace of mind.
• don't use the "i have two months to live" bit -- not cool, not effective.
• shoes say a lot about a man.
• always choose large weddings. more choice. easier to blend.
• tell the bride's friends and family, you are family of the groom and vice-versa.
• only take one car to the wedding. you never know when you'll need to make a fast escape.
• try not to show off on the dance floor. that means you jeremy.
• the newspaper wedding announcements are your racing form. choose carefully.
• be judicious with cologne. citrus tones are best.
• save the tuxes for "the big show" only.
• no periwinkle colored ties, please.
• always have an early "appointment" the next morning.
• be well-groomed and well-mannered.
• know when to abandon ship if it ain't floating.
• always carry an assortment of different place cards to match any wedding design.
• make sure your magic trick and balloon animal skills are not rusty. if the kids love it, the girls will too.
• never, ever reveal your true identity.
• never walk away from a crasher in a funny jacket.
by decree of chaz reingold, Creator of the rules of Wedding Crashing, revised from 1989, in october 2004, the following bits of slang are no longer acceptable: "it's all good," "hey, no worries," and any sentence that involves anyone getting "their freak on."
• no one goes home alone.
• blend in by standing out.
• invitations are for p*ssies.
• when it stops being fun, break something.
• bridesmaids are desperate -- console them.
• you're a distant relative of a dead cousin.
• fight the urge to tell the truth.
• every female wedding guest deserves a wedding night.
• you have a wedding and a reception to seal the deal. period. no overtime.
• there's nothing wrong with having seconds. provided there's enough women to go around.
• of course you love her.
• don't over drink. the machinery must work in order to close.
• your favorite movies are "the english patient" and "the notebook."
• never hit on the bride! it's a one-way ticket to pavement.
• the way to a woman's bed is through the dance floor.
• dance with old folks and the flower girl. the girls will think you're sweet.
• at the service, sit in the fifth row. it's close enough to the wedding party to seem like you're an invited guest. never sit in the back. the back row just smells like crashing.
• create an air of mystery that involves some painful experience when interacting with the girl you're after, but don't talk about it, allude to it. then walk away. she'll follow.
• always remember your fake name!
• you forgot your invitation in your rush to the church.
• bring an extra umbrella when it rains. courtesy opens more legs than charm.
• make sure all the single women at the wedding know you're there because you've just suffered either a terrible break-up or the death of your fiance.
• no sex on the alter. confessionals okay. choir lofts are better.
• girls in hats tend to be proper and rarely give it up.
• the unmarried female rabbi -- is she fair game? of course she is.
• always bring a fake gift.
• don't let the ring bearer bum your smokes. his parents may start asking questions.
• stay clear of the wedding planner. they may recognize you and start to wonder.
• you're always from out of town. ALWAYS.
• know something from the place you are from. texas is played out. for some reason, new hampshire seems to work.
• of course you dream of one day having children.
• deep down, most people hate themselves. this knowledge is the key to most bedroom doors.
• etiquette isn't old-fashioned, it's sexy.
• catholic weddings -- the classic dilemma: painfully long ceremony -- horny girls.
• avoid women who were psychology majors in college.
• never cockblock a fellow crasher. cockblocking an invited guest -- okay.
• eat plentiful, digest your food. you'll need the energy for later.
• know your swing and salsa dancing. girls love to get twisted around.
• always work the following into a conversation: "yeah, i have lots of money, but how does one buy happiness?"
• be pensive! it draws out the "healer" in women.
• tell any woman you're interested in that you'd love to stay, but you promised to help out at the homeless shelter today.
• get chocked up during the service. the girls will think you're "sensitive." bring a slice of onion or artificial tears, if necessary.
• if pressed, tell people you're related to uncle ned. everyone has an uncle ned.
• never leave a fellow crasher behind. crashers take care of their own.
• never use your real name.
• never confess.
• never let a girl get between you and a fellow crasher.
• do not sit in the corner and sulk. it attracts attention to yourself, but not on your own terms.
• be the life of the party.
• whatever it takes to get in, get in.
• sensitive is good.
• always have an up-to-date family tree.
• you love animals and children.
• toast in the native language if you know the native language and have practiced the toast.
do not wing it.
• the older the better, the younger the better. (see below rule).
• definitely make sure she's 18.
• if you get outed, leave calmly. do not run.
• you understand she heard that and that's not what you meant.
• make sure there's an open bar.
• always be a team player. everyone needs a little help now and again.
• know the playbook so you can call an audible.
• if you call an audible, always make sure your fellow crashers know.
• don't commit to a relative unless you're absolutely sure that they have a pulse.
• never go back to your place.
• be gone before sunrise.
• breakfast is for closers.
• at the reception, one hard drink or two beers max. a drunk crasher is a sloppy crasher.
• try not to break anything, unless you're not having fun.
• the rules of wedding crashing are sacred. don't be sully them by "improvising."
• always pull out in time.
• avoid virgins, they're too clingy.
• don't fixate on one woman. ALWAYS have a back-up.
• when seeing a rival crasher, do not interact -- merely acknowledge each other with a tug on the earlobe and gracefully move on.
• the ferrari's in the shop.
• if two rival crashers pick the same girl, the crasher with the least seniority will respectfully yield.
• no "chicken dancing" -- no exceptions.
• when crashing out of state, request permission from the local wedding crashing chapter.
• no more than two weddings a weekend. more and your game gets sloppy.
• always save room for cake.
• when your crash partner fails, you fail. no man is an island.
• smile! you're having the time of your life.
• mix it up a little -- you can't always be the guy with the haunted past.
• two shut-outs in a row? it's time to take a week off. ask yourself: "what's getting in the way of my happiness?"
• research, research, research the wedding party. and when you are done researching, research some more.
• studies show women have a more developed sense of smell. breath mints -- small cost, big yield.
• no excuses. play like a champion!
• in case of emergency, refer to the playbook.
• keep interactions with the parents to a minimum.
• carry extra protection.
• the tables farthest from the kitchen always get served dinner first.
• stop, look listen. at weddings. in life.
• occasionally bring a real gift -- you're getting sex without having buy dinner, you can afford a blender.
• always think ahead but always stay in the moment. reconcile this paradox and you'll not only get the girl, you might also get peace of mind.
• don't use the "i have two months to live" bit -- not cool, not effective.
• shoes say a lot about a man.
• always choose large weddings. more choice. easier to blend.
• tell the bride's friends and family, you are family of the groom and vice-versa.
• only take one car to the wedding. you never know when you'll need to make a fast escape.
• try not to show off on the dance floor. that means you jeremy.
• the newspaper wedding announcements are your racing form. choose carefully.
• be judicious with cologne. citrus tones are best.
• save the tuxes for "the big show" only.
• no periwinkle colored ties, please.
• always have an early "appointment" the next morning.
• be well-groomed and well-mannered.
• know when to abandon ship if it ain't floating.
• always carry an assortment of different place cards to match any wedding design.
• make sure your magic trick and balloon animal skills are not rusty. if the kids love it, the girls will too.
• never, ever reveal your true identity.
• never walk away from a crasher in a funny jacket.
by decree of chaz reingold, Creator of the rules of Wedding Crashing, revised from 1989, in october 2004, the following bits of slang are no longer acceptable: "it's all good," "hey, no worries," and any sentence that involves anyone getting "their freak on."
